Paulie Walnuts

So I've spent a long time, months and months, feeling depressed and unsure I could pull myself out of this emotional tailspin. I'm still very much under the weather, but at least I've begun to figure some things out. I plan on going back to school, and I've been figuring out with the finance department at WMCC how quickly I can get aid/loans.

That being said, I'm figuring out a budget finally, and learning to stick by it. I've got more bills now than I had before, and just being able to pay them and not feel too tight on cash is a feeling of accomplishment.

I've got a good feeling about this. I know it's a long process of recovery, and I've got a long way to go, but I've got good friends and family and I just have a good feeling ;)

Later Days
Mike

first post of 09' here... And this is going to be short but sweet

I have a feeling 09' is going to be so much better than 08, not like I'd have to try to hard.

Certain things and people make me happy, and I need to invest more time in these.

:)

I've tried and tried and tried...

now I'm too tired to keep fighting... I'm beaten and I just don't think I care anymore. I don't mean ill will towards anyone and if anyone's felt that way then I'm sorry... truly and sincerely sorry...

I just miss being happy, and the only people who have an impact, keep making negative ones... I'm entitled to my feelings, and I'm entitled to the way I deal with them.

Is it too much to ask for happiness?

today was the last slap in the face i will ever endure from you. Good riddance

it's my birthday today and I feel more alone than ever...

Sometimes you say or do things you regret... but you have to just move on... there's nothing you can do to change the past, all you can do is pray that you don't let it happen again.

I made a huge mistake, I said some things to some people I should never have spoken to in the first place. Someone once said the best thing in their life was right down the road but it never felt so far away, well that's what I feel.

I hope, if you're reading this, you realize how much I wish I could take it back and how bad I want to make it up to you. I've tried for years and years to be the best I could be to you, and I hope that you remember that when you think of me... and how much you'll be missing in your life if you really close me out of it forever.

“If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.”

Close the last page
My heart has beat it’s last
Like the closing line
In a mystery
That leaves dust
And dried out throats

Scroll these credits
But don’t turn on the lights
I want it dark
For my curtain call
I want the doors
To stay unlocked

Bury me
In a glass top casket
Better yet
Cast me in concrete
And leave me out
To stand guard over this place

It’s twelve O’clock
Later than I thought it’d be
Send every one home now
The shows over
Don’t ask me for your money back

I’ve spent it already
On the ones I leave behind
For what’s a memory
If you don’t have hands
To hold
And lips to kiss

My legacy
My closed fist,
Stinking legacy…
Will you even remember
Who’s inside this box

Where to begin today? I'm doubtful anyone really reads this thing anymore, and even if they do, the one person who might care to hear this probably won't. So it's the story of every decent guys life right? Meet a girl... get to know girl... really like girl... girl slips away. The worst part is it's almost always waved in your face as a possibility until you finally invest your feelings, even if in the most infantile way. Then the floor gets ripped out from under you.

Now, I'm not talking about love, I'm talking about that wow this girl is amazing feeling, in the beginning. The girl almost always knows in her heart who's best for her... or at least it seems that way in the end, but for some reason unknown to me, the better guy finishes 2nd... almost every time.

Now, not every girl is really worthy of this classification... many men would like to believe the girl is perfect, usually from lack of any friendly relationship before hand. It just pains me to wonder why it always seems to work that way?

It's funny. I'm the type of guy that if you were my girlfriend, i would be the absolute best boyfriend you've ever had. I put more effort into any relationship than is necessary, because the most important thing to me is keeping the other person happy. I don't always succeed, but it's never for lack of care, effort, affection, and attention.

I guess girls don't want a guy who'd give up everything to be with them. I'm comfortable knowing that no matter who ends up with me, I'll be able to give them everything i have, because that's just the way I am.

Now I know that seems a bit heavy. I went a little on the dramatic side to make my point. Women don't usually know what their missing though. They've got MR. Success in front of them; you know, slick hair, nice glasses, nice car, career, and nothing to give, but they don't care because they get that infatuated attention. Too bad they never look past the bullshit and realize most of these guys are overcompensating for a lack of genuine care.

It's funny. This phenomenon is really only relavent to people of the "myspace" era. I hate to classify it as such, but it's the truth. I browse my friends myspace photo's, why i don't know, but i notice a lot of "nice butt" "damn girl, let me get a piece of that." and shit. I asked a friend, do women really like that stuff? And in a round about way she kind of confirmed it. It's a perfect example of why I will never understand women haha.

Anyhow, to get back to my previous point, I'd like to say that I've fallen into the catagory of "good guys" who always gets over looked. It hurts, and for a variety of reasons. Usually there's a girl they've got, say a crush, on. It stings when they shun the guy right? But it's like coming in 2nd to someone who doesn't deserve 1st. It's frustrating more than anything else.

I know i'm really just ranting now, and I don't mind if you haven't even made it this far. I just needed to really express my frustrations here. And before you all (probably none) start offering me shoulders to cry on, I'm not really upset, just confused and partly amused at how screwed up things can get.

Oh well,

Later Days.

This existence…

This whole, fucked up vortex of reality. It’s like someone put my brain in an oversized blender… one of those cream colored monstrosities from the 70’s with a rusted blade, spinning my thoughts into protein shake of misery and shock. Would it be cannibalistic to eat one’s soul? To drink ones feelings and shit them out and flush them into sewage?

Oh fuck it. I don’t want to be an expert at anything. Where’s the fun in that? Why even wake up in the morning if you know it all already. No, I want to learn for the rest of my life. I want that infantile excitement every time I find something no one else has found.

Love is another myth perpetrated for the cliché card writers of America. How many jobs would go belly up if people opened their eyes and really looked into the hearts of their partners.

Cell phones made it easier for us to cheat. It’s because we’re predators. Humans that is. Waiting, stalking, hunting, killing. It’s like graduation, from high school to college, college to real life, girlfriend to fiancé, fiancé to wife, wife to widow because I slipped and fell while pinning a stupid fucking star over the garage.

If this is the life you want, go and get it. No one’s going to stop you, I don’t think anyways. Live in your mediocrity like a chained dog lives in it’s shit. It doesn’t no any better. Neither do you?

I’m destined for greatness, even if it’s only in the eyes of my children. Someday I’m going to stagnate, my muscles will atrophe and I will die (if some unnatural cause takes me first). If I haven’t put my feet on the top of a huge mountain, or felt the warm waters of some coastal island, or tasted snow falling from clouds thousands of miles away from Holy Cross Hospital, then I don’t deserve those smiles. I don’t deserve a pat on the back…

I’ll drink this steaming bullshit, I’ll eat your lies, because you’re society, and your what puts the green in my hand, so I can spend it on you. But someday I’m going to laugh in your face and someday you’ll topple, like those before you have.

Just be glad you were around when you were, because you got to see me.

So I've been abusing my Live Journal lately with all this crybaby bullshit. I'm hereby declaring the end of the crybaby bullshit on Live Journal! Anyways, I'll be trying to post more often, once or twice a day, with different musings, lyrics, poetry, fiction, etc. Check back and feel free to poke my conscience with a comment or two.

... Except if you're going to tell me how to spell... because I know I can't spell, wouldn't accomplish much

Fire away!
It can’t be to hard
Tied to this fuckin’ wall
I don’t even need the blind fold
Just fire away,

Truths are what we make them to be
Angry hornets in this nest made for me
Try twice until you give up the third time
Close your eyes and use your mind to see

Twisting, free me, falling away
Twelve stories up, no time to pray
They told me it’s to dangerous to climb
But I never listened anyway.

Yea so Fire, Fire, Fire!
A school yard of children
Or a funeral pyre
So Fire, Fire, Fire
What says you father
I’m a sinner, a liar

Somethings are just to precious to let go... or down... I'm trying my hardest right now, and it's nice to smile :)

I hate that saying... egg on my face... I just don't want to look like an idiot again, thats all

So once again I've opened the door to my heart...

what's going to walk through this time? is it the love I so desperately breath for, or is it heart ache waiting to happen.

I still have my friends, my family, and my dignity. I've been a pretty weak person for a pretty long time, but I think it's finally time I stood up and started worrying about me.

Ok so it's officially summer right now. It's been a pretty shitty spring, and hopefully that will change as time goes on. I've got no clue as to what direction my life's moving in, certain events have brought my planning to a halt, all i know is I need to be positive and work around whatever obstacles come to me.

I'm getting better at this thing called life... albeit slowly, but I'd love if you were a part of it :)

I need to stop putting people before myself... I'm miserable too much of the time.

The tides swallowed the sound
like the sand running away to leave
sinking heels slipping down
past the warm
into the cool depths of water soaked mud.

My brain tries
in vain, though it may be
to fix this gaping hole
in the face of my lifes logic.

Like a game with no chips, or cards, or pieces
Falling apart in the attic,
next to postcards and stamps
long forgotten to our world
but a staple to the dust ridden memories of old.

Close this time to the end
I can almost hear the buzz
the swaying sound of leaves
the chirping of the birds.

It fights its way through the veil of silence
motion kills the mood
Fleeing once again down the folding stairs
to hide shaking on the bathroom stairs.

She's had enough.
These memories are eating her to death,
filing down her nerve endings
until the very thought of light
makes her cringe.

Tears mark trails, train tracks of misery
run down dusty cheeks.
folded arms, crushed beneath the weight
of never ending responsibility,
can't halt the rising floor.

It's strange how life can be so up and down and we can be so blind to the changes that seem so blatantly obvious when we look back on them. I wish I had some foresight into the minds of the people who make up the biggest part of my life.

I've come to terms with the fact that I NEED someone in my life. I've accepted the fact that I need someone to care for, love, worry about, do things for, and be there for. I need someone who will listen to me, who will talk to me and tell me everything, someone who will fall asleep in my arms or hold me until I sleep. I need someone who will look me in the eye with affection, and who will hold my hand at restaurants.

I need a girl to hold my heart...

I need my sweetie mcpumpkin pie :(